Ever wonder why your relationships have failed? Or maybe why you've never made it to an actual relationship? Maybe you're stuck in the We're texting stage? We've been out a couple of times, what do we call it? Are we even a thing?
If you caught yourself thinking, Yes that's me all of the time, then I dedicate this post to you.
I know all millennials can relate to the struggle of defining relationships. Why wouldn't we? It's hard enough as it is to find friends, now we're supposed to find companions? I don't know about you, but I'm very lax when it comes to labels. I'm very transparent- from beginning to end. It's important to understand that not everything means something, for as much as we [girls] love to over analyze every single move, maybe a Hello was just a hello.
In the year that I've been blogging, I don't think I've ever opened up about dating and boys. I don't like to share personal dating stories, because I freak out and think they'll read about themselves here and hate me forever! But, it's about time I get over it and share a couple of my experiences, and why my relationships never progressed.
UN PEU DE MOI
I'm a Communications Major, with a Concentration in Marketing and Public Relations; additionally, I'm pursuing a Minor in French-English Translation. Imagine if I didn't know how to communicate effectively? If I couldn't share with others, the many thoughts on my mind, I'd explode and die, and my cause of death would be due to excessive thinking. Effective communication is overlooked as an actual skill set. Many prefer to study the maths and the sciences, I prefer to study the arts because it speaks to all. This is my opinion and wish to not offend any person. I've learned more about myself in my communications courses, than in all parental lectures combined.
Society does not teach us how to think, society teaches us what to say. I find that these types of teachings are to blame for the lack of communication in our generation. No one can think for themselves anymore. No one has opinions on where to go on the weekends, or what to do with friends. No one has opinions on modern-day politics, or whether or not your outfit looks good.
(No one is a strong generalization. For the sake of this argument, bear with me.)
When, and if, I make the time to get to know someone, I make it very clear to myself to steer clear of emotional baggage.
This is my first adivce to you.
If you've recently had a shitty break up, leave it in the past. Think of it as a learning experience, have a good attitude about that relationship not working out, and move on. Many commit the mistake of getting hung up on the same issue-
Whether or not it was his fault or your fault.
Truth is, it's both's fault. Neither you, nor he, did anything right to salvage any remains of a relationship. If so, you wouldn't have answered yes to the questions at the beginning.
My second advice is crucial. Listen close and take notes.
Do not talk too much.
i.e. As I write this, I am sitting under The Iliad by Homer poster at Barnes & Nobles. To my right, there's a man who's been patiently waiting for his date to arrive. He seems nervous, on edge, he's on his second cup of coffee. His date finally arrived, late, with the Sorry I'm late, excuse, My car broke down. She's loud, rude, and inconsiderate. I gather this just by hearing a couple of sentences. Maybe I'm jumping the gun, assuming the worst. But, when it comes to dating, these types of thoughts are most common. Fist impressions are pivotal.
(Studies show, the brain takes about 1/5 of a second to determine physical attraction. This is without bias, no prior interactions are assumed to arouse attraction. 1/5 of a second can determine interest or repulsion.)
Girl X sits with her date and begins going on and on about how her day sucked, and how she almost didn't come. Already, if I were Guy X, I'd be questioning why she did come in the first place. 5 minutes have passed, and not once has she bothered to ask him about his day. I'm not even on this date, and I'm annoyed.
Why is she still talking?
How many times do we go on and on about ourselves, as if we were talking to our moms? Instead, we need to try to listen more. Ask him one quick question, let him respond, make him keep the conversation flow. If he can't maintain an interesting conversation, for a minimum of 15 minutes, then I'm questioning the integrity of your character. If you can't entertain me for 15 minutes, then can you entertain me forever? This is coming from a personal experience. I once went on a date with a guy who would not talk. He had nothing interesting to say. He would say things like, So what do we talk about now? This is a pet peeve of mine. How are you going to ask that? I knew, then and there, he was not worth my time.
By not talking too much, you're allowing yourself to learn from to him. This I learned from the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. Let him bring up what he thinks is interesting. Let him feel like he's in control of the situation, and that he knows something you don't. If he feels comfortable enough, conversations will feel natural, and unrehearsed. This way, he won't worry if you're saying something he doesn't relate to. That's the worst feeling ever. Having to sit through a conversation you find zero interest in. You don't want that to happen to you. So, next time you go out with a guy, what are you going to do? Listen!
If you think he'd change for you, you're an idiot.
A guy will never change for you, and if he says he will, he's only fooling himself and apparently, you too. You don't want to be with someone who's still figuring it out. Maybe that's just me? I wouldn't want to date me two years ago. I was all over the place, not knowing what to do with my life, with school, with my career. I was a mess. Now, I'm clear with what I want in life, and what I want in a relationship. I wouldn't want to go backwards in life. That's just cruel. I'm not wasting my time with a guy who doesn't have goals. Ambition is sexy. Goal oriented people are the only kinds of people I need in my life.
When I see potential in someone, I'll think to myself, okay Brenda time to get dirt on this guy. Does he do drugs? Does he party all weekend? Does he have parents who care for him? Any kids? Divorced? Arrest records? I mean, you really can't dismiss any possibilities nowadays. So many people are involved in things they shouldn't be, it's like finding a needle in a haystack when you find a decent guy. You can't let emotions cloud your judgement. Think of this stage as the Interview Stage. You ask questions, and make sure he doesn't beat around the bush. Flirt a little, don't be a cop about it. Remember, he's observing you just as much as you're observing him. He'll get turned off if all you do is ask questions flat out. Leave that to your professors.
When you do learn something you don't like, don't freak out about it. Say something like,
Cool. Interesting. Wow, I never would've guessed that about you.
Don't be a bitch and hurt his feelings. If you do, you're setting yourself up to be judged. Everyone's human, and he doesn't deserve your attitude. He's already vulnerable enough as it is by opening up to you. Do not take advantage of that trust.
Victoria's Secret: A Private Affair